My mood is less than chipper... any number of things are factoring in.

I know that one is the appointment I have in about two hours... I'm nervous even though Doc said not to worry about it. Probably has something to do with the testing they have to do... I hate icky violating exams. Who enjoys them anyway though, right? Reminds me of one of the monologues from "The Vagina Monologues."... "My Vagina is Angry"... good piece... you should read it sometime... very amusing but also makes a lot of sense if you think about it (and of course, if you're a girl and can totally relate to the points that are made...might be a bit harder for a man to understand.)

I've been feeling super self-conscious and unattractive lately... it sucks... but oh well... I'm a woman... guess it's the way it goes.

I'm still on a rollercoaster with emotions... I fret over too much and think too much... that's nothing new with me.

I just feel rather bleh... depressed...
hormones have been raging like a crazy nempho... but then... i guess I am a nymph. can't help it... I'm just like that... i enjoy the closeness of "the moment"... which... when I think about it... I'm not really a nympho persae... because I wouldn't imagine the psychological train of thought for an actual nymph is an emotional one but more a train of purely animalistic sexual satisfaction... it runs deeper than that for me... far deeper.

My internal balance isn't what it should be. I wish I could clear my head of all these obsessive thoughts. Constantly trying to self-evaluate every move I make... everything I say... every single fraction of my existance. I don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone or anything right now... nothing I'm doing is sufficient in my life... I don't have the energy or the ambition I did... sure... I have the want and desire... but I'm not motivating myself enough. I try to do everything right, but I feel like I get so much wrong. I'm afraid of losing the few great things I have in my life... the few great people... always afraid... so many times I've been let down... so many times I've found things aren't what they seem.... which puts this nagging fear into my head. The fear that I will wake up one day and everything that I've thought to be true and real will have just vanished into thin air.

things change... time changes...

Everything for a reason and a reason for everything... often times we never even come to a full understanding of why things happen in our lives the way that they do.... all we have left is hope... hope that all things will go for the best... all things happen for the best... all negative things in our lives happen to teach us something... to help us appreciate the good all the more... it's the Jungian concepts of Taoist principles... the Yin and the Yang... without evil there cannot be good. Without pain there can't be pleasure... without loss there can't be gain... without rejection there can't be acceptance, ... without night, there can't be day. Because if one doesn't exist, how do you even know you are experiencing the other?

I am suddenly recalling a reoccuring dream I had a few months ago... I think I may have posted it in a blog... probably not viewable to the general public.... I need to see if I can find that... because it seems it was one of those things dreams that later becomes a deja vu moment for me. I feel as though that moment of deja vu is approaching soon.

Ever feel like you have a 6th sense for things? Ever wish you didn't? I do... and frequently so. Intuition screams at me and I put ear plugs in so I don't have to hear it... at least not all of it.... I don't want to... Why not? Because often it's telling me things I don't want to hear... often it's telling me things that are quite opposite of my own hopes... my wants... my aspirations.

really, I hate it when I get into these moods... where I get lost in thought... I want to just close it all up and shut it all out... I want to stop my brain from working... from running... from analyzing... I want to prove intuition wrong... I want to flea from negative energies... from negative thoughts... from negative situations...

but I can't... many things are simply inevitable in life. Life is so often out of our control... sure... we can make choices and take action in ways that can affect the here and the now... but we can not change what is destined to be in life... perhaps we can change the outcome... perhaps we can change the end result of situations... all by matter of choice of how to handle different obstacles that we face... but who is to know that for certain? We would have to be able to go back and change our choices in action in a given situation then live back through the moments following with rememberance of the former outcome to be able to look at the end results and see if there was any actual difference.

Current Mood: blah