Leave me a comment and I'll...
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - a song, a color, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Associate you with a character.
6. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7. Tell you my favourite user picture of yours.
8. Ask you to post this in your LJ in return.

Fucking myspace isn't working right now... so here I am in my lj.

Jeremy and I had a talk tonight.... and I felt my heart break. He told me that I'm everything he has wanted. (Something I've wanted to hear him say again for sooooo long) Told me I'm beautiful (something I've never heard him say before and always wanted to). Told me that he loves me.... (something I've been longing to hear.)....

The catch... that he doesn't love me the way I love him. The he has tried, but he can't. That he doesn't want to be together because it hurts to bad. At the same time he tells me that I can still stay here.

I told him I can't. He said yes I could. I told him no... I can't. Because if I stay here I'll trick myself into thinking he'll change his mind.

God... it hurts...

I've tried so hard. I've prayed so hard. I've tried endlessly to stick by him and work through things. And the last three weeks have been so great. I thought that maybe that last big argument had just been the last of what we needed to get off our chests... that maybe we were on the same page finally.

He told me he felt closer to me when we were just friends.

I don't understand.... how could that be?

How am I everything he ever wanted but he doesn't want to be with me? He said I love him the way he has always wanted to be loved. I try so hard. But that he has spent the past few days crying because he knows he doesn't love me the way I deserve to be loved.

He said he'd still do anything for me. That he doesn't want me to change. That I did nothing wrong. That I'm perfect the way I am. That he cares for me more than I could possibly know. That he loves me almost as much as he loves Carter, but not the kind of love that he "should."

I've lost him. And it hurts. It's killing me inside. To know that tonight was the last night I'll stay here. That us making love tonight was the last time we'll make love... because I can't allow myself to stay with him and make love to him again.... because I'll only hurt worse in the end... I know how I work.

I want him to hold me every night. I want to be with him. I want him to change his mind. I want him to quit being afraid of what we could have. But I can't change how he feels.... and I know that.

I told him maybe he just needs to give himself more time... he just shook his head.

I broke down... I can't stop with this crying. It hurts.

DAMN IT ALL!

I hate this shit.

I want to go home. But at the same time I want to be here with him... I want to be curled up in his arms... I want him to hold me and never let go. I don't want this to be the end...

We've had our ups and downs... we've had some pretty rough downs... but we've worked through them. And now... now that everything has felt like it was falling into place... .now he decides to give up on us???

FUCK!

I want to sleep, I can't sleep. I want to stop crying, but I can't. I want to breathe, but it's hard to do.

I've never in my life tried so hard at a relationship..... and this is what I get? It was easier not trying at all. Fuck it.

Juli cracks me up... shirt she's sending Carter:

"I heart my lesbian aunt who used to sleep with my mom."

Yep... I'm taking a picture and posting it as my profile pic on myspace. At least for a little while. It's bound to get some good giggles.


Had a big talk with Jeremy... I'll post about that later... maybe.

Retirement plan for 30 years.... tell everyone I'm in a looney bin. Steven tells everyone he's in a looney bin. We both move to Mexico. Nobody wants to visit a loon in a looney bin. So if they think we're there, we'll have a peaceful retirement in Mexico. I asked him if we could both file for early retirement. He said right after we solve the worlds problems. Dang it.

*waves at "Hunter love"*... miss you!

This is going to be real short because it's difficult finding a position to sit that's comfortable for more than a minute. Being the geek I am I wanted to sign on here for just a minute to update things. :) My little sister is going to help me get the pictures uploaded tomorrow so everyone can see GORGEOUS Carter Sebastian Coleman. :)

Born at 1:24pm December 20th, 2006 7lbs even and 20inches

Labor and delivery went "smoothly" by medical terms. haha. I ended up taking the epideral option though. I apparently don't have the tolerance for pain I had when Xavier was born. haha.

Jeremy did absolutely wonderful with labor and delivery.... and is an absolutely AMAZING and wonderfully natural daddy. He and Carter are in the other room sleeping right now. :)

Carter has been a complete Angel. Only fusses when he's hungry or when we have to change his diaper (can't blame him for either). :) All the nurses did nothing but brag about what a wonderful and beautiful baby he is... rightly so. :)

Xavier is so proud of his baby brother. It brings me to tears to see Jeremy with his beautiful son. And everything has been just perfect. (Except the whole post delivery pain... OUCH!! But it'll be gone in a week or so.) I couldn't be happier.

Once my delivery injuries have healed some I'll try to get on here to write more. As is right now...

BEAUTIFUL new baby.

Jeremy is an amazing source of support and daddy.

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world right now.

(Minus the pains of delivery... those are obnoxiously everpresent... but at least I know there will be an end to it soon.)

LOVE my boys. All three. :) Xavier, Carter and Jeremy. So happy.



Thank you for all the phone calls, visits, and messages on here from everyone. Feel free to call my cell: 270-227-7005 or the house phone 270-492-8341. Those of you who live locally and are able, I'd be more than happy to have company as well.

Hugs and love to all.

Jen

Current Mood: ecstatic

Reality of life... reality of situations... what is it? How do we figure it out? How do you differientiate between fact and fiction, true and false where emotions are concerned? Are we, as human beings, naturally programmed to question every side of a situation? Or are we programmed to simply accept things at face value? Perhaps we're programmed to look at certain things one way, others another, while still others in yet another way.

Is it individual character and experience that makes us predisposed to think and look at things a particular way?

I'm sure if I broke out the resources and did some psychological research, the answers would be in print, there in black and white. I would imagine most of what I would find would come back to the theories and studies of nature vs. nurture. Conditioning based on repeat experience. Conditioning based on observation. Childhood events influencing those things that effect us most in adulthood.

Even with a fairly good understanding of the textbooks on psychology, it's often more difficult to analyze and interpret oneself. I have heard friends say they wish they could take their own advice. It's so much easier to observe someone elses situations and behaviors, interpret and understand, than it is for us to step back and look in the mirror at ourselves.

Have you ever noticed how it's also easier for some people to lack empathy or sympathy for someone going through a particular situation? But then if that same thing were being experienced by themselves, how much they expect other people to understand and feel bad for them?

Where are the lines drawn? What is the defining seperation between selfish, and selflessness? What clarity can we find in trying to understand why some people are so accutely attuned to others and their emotions, often times taking emotional burdens on in themselves, feeling a sense of responsibility to relate, understand and perhaps attempt to help.... versus those who are so detached from the general population and as a common rule of thumb "mind their own business" that they go about their lives carelessly? They seem to be two extreme polar opposites in reaction. Is there a median? a middle ground of sorts?

What about the loyalty we often feel for our friends? The anger that can be provoked when we feel someone is mistreating a friend... why such strong emotions when someone else is the one being wronged? Why is it that we can so often feel such strong disapproval for the selection our friends and loved ones make in a significant other? Is it our desire for nothing but the best for the ones we care about? Is it a distaste for the anticipation of negative emotions we predict trying to help those loved ones get through? Is it that we see the full potential of those special people, their full value, their worth, and perhaps we have a sixth sense, a heightened sensitivity to the lack of gratitude others may possess?

But then, while we can "see" these things when watching the people close to us... why can't we keep ourselves from making these same mistakes? Or perhaps we prevent ourselves from making the same mistake as deeply, then justify ourselves by saying "at least it's not that bad or as bad."

Why do we often let the best of things slip on through while hanging to something else we hope can evolve into that "best"? Or perhaps we find something that reminds us of something we once had, but lost.... and we hope to find it again where it was originally....

How about shadowing our doubts from the past onto those of the present and future? A major relationship (long term, marriage, etc.) gone bad makes us hesitant at times to delve into the possibility of the same form of commitment. We have trouble letting go of past misfortunes to grab hold of possible future "pots of gold."

So many more questions to contemplate could be added here... but I think this is a sufficient beginning for the thought process.

Current Mood: contemplative

I can't believe my mother has allowed Jim to re-enter the house. I am completely baffled.

All the horrible things he has said, all of the psychological bullshit he has pulled. He has some serious issues.

This man has said unforgiveable thing that no husband, wife, or significan other should day no matter how heated the argument. He wants to manipulate her by making references to God and what he feels is God's calling to him. But he goes to such extremes with his religious references.

His expressed views and ideas on various topics is so extremely distorted morally.

Supposedly a few days of time spent with an old high school friend of his who is now a psychologist "fixed" him and all his problems. Funny- I went to a wonderful psychologist for 50 weeks, a psychiatrist for 6 months, and a clinical social worker for 3 months... and although each of them helped tremendously, I was in no way "fixed" even after all that time. I didn't get as close to "fixed" as I am now until I took SEVERAL months out for time primarily alone. Time I took to focus internally, self analyze and study my own psychology. A person has to find the focus and take the time to work on themselves.

Psychologists are not miracle workers who can repair years of external and internal damage to the mind over night. Ultimately they can only begin the right track and aid with guidance as we travel the past to recovery.
No one can make me believe for a second that a few days had such a profoundly life changing affect. Tehre is no way that Jim has actually done even a fraction of the internal work required to fix himself. How could he have? He has spent to much time obsessing over Mom and harassing her with repeat rollercoaster voicesmails that have a ttimes come in such rapid fire succesion that he has made his onw complete psychological instability clear to the most university illiterate of people.

Now then- let's add on top of his behavior towards mom, his behavior towards emily and comments made to me. The emotional instability in that household because of Jim is probably, comparably, worse than what Emily would have experienced had Mom and Dad never ended the way they did. The verbal abuse that is exhibited is more damaging than the out of sight, out of mind physical abuse that took place in our childhood home (at least where Emily is concerned).

Despite the fact that I'm a grown woman- this man has not known me or my family for anything more than six months. And really he knows nothing of me. He in no way ever actually took the time to listen to me - to hear me speak, to hear anything more than something he wanted to throw his two cents in on.
Have I played some hardball with him? Of course I have. As I told Mom, I have nothing to prove to any man she dates or marries- they have everything to prove to me and respect to earn.

Every single man she has been with since my father has been beyond rude and disrespectful towards me and yet not a single one has ever known me beyond whatever my mother might have said. Which, even her opinion during certain time periods in my life is one to be upset about due to her own inconsistancies on whether she is supportive unconditionally or judgmentally disapproving.

back to the point at hand- Jim

His return is an insult added to injury. Not only because of what he has said to me- but also the time and energy I feel has been lost in this black abyss. My siblings and I have been there for Mom everytime he has left. It has been us trying to show endless support and making numerous attempts at cheering her up. The hours I have spent sitting and talking with mom over coffee through all of this are countless. And for what now? Has it all been a waste? all been in vain?

Obviously she hasn't been as true to herself or anyone else through all of this. It goes back to psychology. Although she has seemingly sought out guidance, input and help- she hasn't actually wanted it as much as she portrayed. Her codependancy isn't irreversible however her own lack of internal work has made it unexecutionable once again.

Unfortunately I feel it necessary to avoid my mothers house. I cannot be around Jim... I cannot deal with him. I have dealt with enough of his bullshit. I will not be spending any time whatsoever there so long as he is a part of that household... for in my eyes, he will never be a part of my family, will never deserve an ounce of respect from me... and will never again receive the slightest amount of cordiality from me. I do not accept his apologies as anything more than a ploy to manipulate and work his way back into getting what he wants to his benefit with no real concern for anyone elses well being.

That's my story... and I'm sticking to it. *crosses arms* The End.

You know... it's such a great feeling... love....

When you look at someone... and you adore absolutely everything about them...

"Love is not finding a perfect person, but seeing an imperfect person, perfectly."

The way that person talks... moves... interacts with others... every little quirky thing...



He's always watching over me... always watching out for me...

he has gotten to know me so well, he knows when somethings wrong and seems to usually know what it is...

I wake up this afternoon and he offers to make me food... I ask him how he knew I was hungry... and jokingly he says "you woke up"... but really... he's right... lol... I'm always hungry after I wake up from a nap.

Wonderful wake ups in the morning... tee he.

He was so cute yesterday... I had my holter monitor on... he wakes me up being all lovey dovey... then he looks at me and in his cute sarcastic tone goes "ooo baby. Your wires are so sexy." I couldn't help but laugh.

The other day I put his hand on my belly where the baby was at... I was like "feel that hard spot?" him: "yeah" Me: "That's the baby." Him: "Oh, well then that just confirms it's a boy." I gasped! hehehehehe... then of course I laughed. Smart alek.

He knows everytime I'm having trouble with contractions... always seems so aware.

When I wake up to him giving me sweet kisses, or simply sitting next to me, I can't help but smile and give him a huge hug. He woke me up the other night leaning over and giving me a kiss on the cheek and telling me he loved me. It was the greatest feeling. Then as we were going to sleep the other night and he was dozing off he tells me he loves me, and I got all teary and told him I love him.

I love our tickle fights... of course he always wins... but it's fun nonetheless.

I've never known anyone like him. I've never known a feeling like this before. He's amazing.

Rebekah is always picking on us and telling me how sickening we are to be around cause we're always so lovey dovey. (hence her pic comment to the display photo "*gags* cause she lives with seeing us like that everyday.)

Then Ryan has this idea this morning... I didn't know what to think of it at first... but the more I thought about it... well, it's just sweet. He's so good to me. Basically he has thought of a way for me to not have to work, but still have financial support. I wasn't sure what to think of his idea at first... my feminist train of thought started to preside... but then the more I thought about it the sweeter I thought it was...

He really is amazing... a dream come true.

So often I sit and wonder how I've managed to have such a wonderful man come into my life... such a wonderful person in every way... and I can't imagine my life without him... my life has been so much better since he came into it...

It's so peaceful with him... with the exception of outside factors, completely stress free... (outside factors just being those things that get me emotionally off balance: dr's visits, stupid people, etc.). He's a calm and mellow person, which helps me stay calm and mellow.

I could go on and on... as I so often could... I'm sure most of you reading this are ready to gag already...lol.

It's just a great feeling.... love...

Current Mood: loved

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

blog from July 5th:
Alright... i'm going to write just a brief little blog cause i've got an appointment in about ten minutes...

Ryan, Xavier and I went out camping yesterday with Ryan's family... all the slip up comments that were made... as well as the intentional... His Dad referred to me as his son's fiancee at the campsite guard shack... he later referred to Xavier as the grandson... his dad's friend referred to me as "bill's future daughter in law"... his mom "he's busy playing daddy" in reference to Ryan slowing down the start of the poker game because he was lighting sparklers for Xavier...

my brain is in overload... i heard the "m" word too many times yesterday. Ryan is wonderful with Xavier despite his own concerns for how awkward it feels in not knowing what's okay and what's not... not wanting to be the "bad" guy... etc. etc.

*sigh*

overload. brain. malfunction. I'm the one freakin' out here... wtf? I dunno. It'll pass. Just really wasn't expecting such comments, let alone so many of them. Not to say I didn't process them as a good sign that perhaps his family likes me okay...


blog from today:
Well... let's see... Xavier didn't want to camp out again last night since we woke up wet yesterday morning (it rained all night the 4th)... so he went back to Sue and Dan's and is spending time with his Dad.

Ryan and I went back out to the campground... and recall all those comments from the last blog that we were getting?... they didn't stop... that's for sure...

"Where's my grandson?" (Bill (Ryan's Dad) Had to explain why Xavy wasn't back out there.... he continued to refer to him as "my grandson" yesterday and today... it was cute...

Ryan goes in the camper at one point.... Eddie: "So, Ryan's not out here... you can tell me when the wedding is now so I can start planning it." Eddie ended up drilling Ryan and me on when we were going to get married, when I told him I was in no rush since I've already ridden in that rodeo he said "yeah, but you're riding a different horse this time." So on and so forth.

Several comments were directed at Ryan about how he has a family to worry about now, etc. etc. Eddie told Ryan he saw the way he was with Xavier... (which I agree on the observations... he seems to feel uncertain with it himself, but he interacts with him very naturally... he just can't see that himself).

His family is really great... they've really made me feel welcome and the way they were with/about Xavier was truly endearing. Bill and Ryan took Xavier fishing for his first time... Xavier caught two blue gill... Bill got pictures on his phone and said he's going to upload and send me copies... Xavier managed to get $3 out of Bill as well... apparently he got bored with fishing when he wasn't catching anything else... so he wanted to throw rocks... Bill made a $1 deal with him... Xavier won... (so they say... hehe)... Xavier wanted to do it again so Bill bet him double ($2 if he won again, $2 paid to him if he lost...) Xavier managed to win the second time as well so he came walking back up with $3.

Ryan was cute... Xavier decided he didn't want to go back out camping after we had already left Ryan's yesterday to run some errands... Ryan was expecting him to be with me... I get to Huddle to meet back up and come in without Xavier... Ryan starts looking around... ended up he had gotten the Nintendo DS from the apartment and had gone to Wal-Mart and bought two games so that Xavier could play on the DS when he got restless. I felt bad that Xavier hadn't wanted to go back out there... and the weather was nicer last night so he probably would have liked it better... plus there was another little boy there last night he could have played with. Xavier was just being a turkey... :( I don't understand Xavier's behavior sometimes... I guess some things I never fully will.

I don't know what's up with my mood today... it has slowly but surely dropped.... I've wanted to cry all afternoon for no real apparent reason other than silly female trains of thought... I've gotta quit being like that in my head. Ryan tried to get me to talk but I didn't want to... 1) I knew I'd start crying like a big baby and 2) I didn't really know how to explain... just that I felt like I did. I ended up crying half the drive home to Dad's house from town after Ryan dropped me off at my car so I could come home and get ready for work tonight. I guess some of it goes back to Xavier and him not wanting to be with me. I feel like maybe I'm too strict on him sometimes... but then I don't want to be to easy on him either. That and I'm trying to work on his lack of patience and his manners because he seems to lose both when he's away from me for extended periods of time. I dunno... I don't want to be one of those parents that has too high of expectations on their kids... but I don't think that the behavior I'm looking for from him is too high.

This is going to be a long weekend... I work tonight and tomorrow night... Ryan has things to do tomorrow during the day, plus drill this weekend... then tentatively he starts to work on Monday... Preacher Keith and his wife Laura want the four of us to go bowling one night... not sure which night we'll do that... then Ryan has his tournament Sunday night...





Oh yeah... Dr.'s appointment on Monday... guess you guys want an update on that since I have yet to do so... Dr. Cook doesn't want to do anything while I'm pregnant for risk of causing complications with the pregnancy... I have to go back in after the baby is born for a biopsy. Bleh. Basically.. I'll know nothing for another 7 or 8 months. But I guess in a lot of ways... it has put me at a point where I'm just going to shove it all out of my thought process for the time being... time to just focus on the baby.

Current Mood: surprised